Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Delray Beach Police Blotter

This isn't a secret, but I like to read police blotters. You can learn a lot about a place that way. I hadn't been keeping up on the Palm Beach Post's blotters, but last week's was good enough that Patrick said I had to post it on the blog. Actually, what he said was "Holy f***, that's hilarious. You have to post that." I said "Post it where?" and he said "On the blog, what did you think I meant?" And I said "We still have a blog?"

Apparently we do, and so for your reading pleasure I would like to present a few items from the Delray Beach police blotter:
Police arrested a man who cut off an ambulance with activated sirens, tailgated the ambulance and then sped off with no headlights at night. When police told him he had been pulled over for having no lights on, the man reached inside, turned on his lights and told police they were lying. The man had urinated on himself and smelled of alcohol. A search of his car turned up large amounts of cocaine.
You gotta admit the guy's got balls.

Lobster theft is apparently a problem:
A family of four ordered four lobster meals from a restaurant in the 14000 block of South Military Trail and after eating they refused to pay their $87.12 bill and left. The restaurant owner got their license plate number.
Someone broke into the storage area of a business in the 200 block of Northeast Sixth Avenue, pried open the locks on two freezers and took 10 one-pound bags of lobster meat and 10 pounds of shrimp worth $400. The burglar also filled a box with chicken tenders, potato chips, croutons and corn chips but left the box on the Dumpster.

And finally my favorite (and Patrick's too):
Police were called to an apartment in the 1800 block of Palm Cove Boulevard, where a woman had just thrown a shoe from her balcony through a car window. When police arrived, the woman answered the door with an unzipped shirt, with no undergarment and told them she was in the witness protection program and could not answer their questions, but a window-repair person was coming.
Wow. Just wow.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Florida Has Gators? Who Knew?

From the "No Shit" Department:
Frank Mazzotti, a wildlife ecologist at the University of Florida, has some advice for people who never want to come face to face with an alligator: Stay out of Florida.
This sage bit of advice was brought to us by the New York Times which, like many news outlets outside of Florida, has taken notice of our recent spate of fatal gator attacks. We imagine the general sentiment is something like, "Oh yes, there are giant carnivorous lizards in that state, aren't there?" Then they finish reading about Katherine Harris's Senate run and move on to the gator story. That scares them almost as much.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Gas Thief Thwarted By Intercom

With gas prices as high as they have been lately (we just forked over $34 to fill our tank - ouch!), we can't blame people for thinking about pulling a fill-and-flee. We're not quite as forgiving toward Rachel Ethier, who actually attempted the maneuver. She might have gotten away with it if she hadn't prepped her passengers for flight - the magic of the intercom meant that she ended up prepping the clerk, too. That's probably why she looks so pouty in her mug shot: "Come on, guys, it was just a few gallons ... Can I have my Xanax back now?"

Control Those Ducks

A menace has been stalking Cape Coral. They come in droves, and they leave destruction in their wake. They are Muscovy ducks, and they are out of control. As NBC 2 in Fort Myers reports, "[b]ecause Muscovy ducks are not native to the area the Florida Wildlife Commission does not regulate them." These red-faced fiends are allowed to breed out of control, terrorizing cockroaches and residents both. The duck control ordinance proposed by Cape Coral city officials would make it illegal to feed the ducks, and would provide for the euthanization of ducks deemed to be a health risk. That includes their eggs: "'You take the eggs and shake them kind of violently. You're not playing games there,' said Michael Orchin with the Cape Coral Friends of Wildlife." No, this is serious business, this egg shaking. They will do it, we can tell.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Crook "Needed Disney's Money To Buy Crack"

Jamie Driscoll, you just robbed Disney World eight times! What are you going to do now? He's going to buy crack!

Or, rather, he was going to buy crack. Unfortunately, his ninth foray into the Magic Kingdom was thwarted by Disney security and Orange County police. Apparently, he'd already made plans to knock off a post office on Turkey Lake Road later in the day. All that crack really adds up. A spokesperson for the Orange County Sheriff's Office described Driscoll's modus operandi for WFTV 9 Eyewitness News:
"He used various techniques, including having other people distract the employees. He'd then go in and disconnect the register, put it in a trash bag and then leave the stores," explained Crystal Candy, Orange County Sheriff's Office.

We'd just like to point out the appropriateness of having Crystal Candy comment on crack crime. There's someone who was surely never teased as a child.

Raging Roosters

Even cock-fighting isn't safe from the scourge of performance-enhancing drugs. What is this world coming to?

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Fish Slapping Gets Brutal

A woman boating on the Suwannee River this week got an unpleasant surprise when she was smacked in the face by a fish. The aggressor, a three-foot long Gulf Sturgeon, is known for its habit of jumping several feet into the air, and woe betide the innocent victims who get in its way. The Gulf sturgeon is covered in sharp, bony plates called "scutes" (as in, "Scute over, I'm coming through!" ... Forget we said that.) Those scutes aren't pretty, but they can cause some serious damage. Case in point: not only did the woman need stitches on her lips and wrist, she also suffered a spinal fracture and facial injuries bad enough to warrant plastic surgery. Apparently, "it's unclear what happened to the fish." A classic case of hit and run.

This post has been brought to you by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Association, who would like to remind you that nature wants to kill you.